My Life
by glo1196
Summary: How many times does she send him away or turn away from him. How many times has she shattered his heart and spirit putting herself first. How much longer will he keep doing that before he's had enough. Will this dream change things between them?


**This has been written stream of consciousness. It would not let me go, and I wrote it out. Will just be two chapters long, and will have a bed scene. Sorry, if there are any mistakes and it seems choppy, it's my first dream sequence story. Hope you enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer – I love Caskett and will always give them a happy ending, hopefully Marlowe will too.**

**Chapter 1**

Her sleep is restless as her mind floods with images from her past. Moments she would rather stay buried deep in the dark recesses of her mind. Her body responds to the painful memories with jerky movements and taunt stillness. Jumbled words cascade from her lips haphazardly with little sense at scattered intervals. She dreams…..

It's her old apartment, and he has just walked through the door into her living room, they are arguing about her mother's case. Her mind registers her old furniture and items she remembers that belonged to her mother, from her old apartment.

"Yeah well last time I checked, it was my life, not your personal jungle gym. And for the past three years I've been running around with the school's funniest kid. And it's not enough." She sees the anger in her eyes, the way she is building her wall and shutting him out. The way hope fades from his eyes and is replaced by anger.

"This isn't about your mother's case anymore; this is about you needing a place to hide. You've been chasing this thing so long you are afraid to know who you are without it." Castle answers back in anger, anger she hardly ever sees directed at her, anger she has only seen in similar circumstances since then. You would think she would lean.

"You know what we are, Castle? We are over. Now get out." She sees herself turn her away from him. Sees him resign himself to her dismissal of him, its not the first time, and won't be the last. He walks out of her door, but not out of her life, because he means "Always."

Her words taunt her in her sleep, and she watches the images flicker across her subconscious like a movie showing at a theater.

Another place and time in her life, characters are the same with a similar outcome. How does she not learn from her mistakes, she repeats again. The man she loves and loves her more than anyone has ever loved her is once again walking away after having his heart handed to him by her.

Her dream takes her to the stark white walls, with beeping machines and the smell of flowers just overtaking the medicinal smells of the hospital.

"Castle, I'm really tired right now." She really doesn't want to go through this again, she wants to wake up, to stop this moment from repeating itself.

"Of course. Of course. We'll talk tomorrow." She sees the heart wrenching disappointment again, the deep sadness in his eyes that she constantly puts there.

"Do you mind if we don't?" Watching as an outsider she pinpoints the moment the brightness dims from his blue eyes. He undoubtedly knows she's sending him away, when all he wants is to be there for her. His shoulders sink slightly, his smile fades. She wonders how she could've been that selfish that cruel.

"I just need a little bit of time." He forces a smile and it breaks her heart to watch. Even knowing she's going to hurt him he tries his best to make it easy for her.

"Sure. Sure. How much time?" he asks as he heads for the door. His heart readying itself for an answer he surely knows is coming.

"I'll call you, okay?" she responds but she won't even look at him, and he knows she is not going to call, even though he will wait and hope for weeks for the phone to ring.

Kate tosses and turns in bed. The scenes keep changing, the next one worse than the one before. Her mind reels with painful memories, her body tenses. She doesn't deserve him after all she has put him through.

Again her apartment comes into focus, she knows the scene before it even starts and she braces herself, even in her dream state. It's her new place….

"Are you kidding me? You're actually bringing this up right now? After you told me that you just betrayed me." She watches him take a breath and steady himself. Watches him try to defend his actions to her, actions that had saved her life so far, but she was too far-gone to see.

"Kate, listen to me," he tries to tell her, but she doesn't give him a chance.

"Listen to you? Why should I listen to you? How am I even supposed to trust anything that you say?" The words cut him to the quick.

"How are you – Because of everything we've been through together! Four years I've been right here! Four years, just waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I'm right here, and that I'm more than a partner." He tries to calm himself. He is trying so hard to show her that everything he has done, he has done for her. That he has risked his life for her sake.

She sees herself quiet down, and he drops the anger from his voice.

"Every morning I- I bring you a cup of coffee just so that I can see a smile on your face because I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I have ever met. And I love you Kate, and if that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this." He has laid his heart before her and the pain she feels as she watches this scene for the millionth time in her dreams seems so real. The tears spill from her eyes and soak her pillow as the dream continues.

"If I care about you, Castle, you cut a deal for my life like I'm some kind of a child. My life. Mine. You don't get to decide." The anger in her voice shocks her. She wants to reach out and shake herself. Stop herself from continuing this path of self destruction that hurts him as much as her.

"You keep going with this? They're going to decide. They're going to come for you, Kate."

"Let them come! They sent Coonan and he is dead. They sent Lockwood and he is dead and I am still here, Castle! And I am ready." She walks past him, away from him. She is so far down the rabbit hole that she can't find her way out.

"Ready for what? To die for your cause? This isn't a murder investigation anymore, Kate. They've turned it into a war"

He knows she is risking her life and needs to stop her, but he no longer knows what to say or do. She doesn't want him, or anything he has to offer.

"If they want a war then I will bring them a war. Straight to their doorsteps."  
"Well then I guess there's just nothing I can say, is there? Okay, um… Yeah, you're right, Kate. It's your life. You can throw it away if you want but I'm not going to stick around and watch you so this is um… over. I'm done."

He walks away from her unwilling to help her to her death. There is anger in his last words, but he can't watch the woman he loves walk to her death. The pain is there again, painted across his features, in the way he walks away, in the tone of his voice. The woman he loves doesn't choose him and again she watches as he walks away.

Castle watches as she tosses and turns in her sleep. Tears have soaked her pillow and nightgown. Her words worry him, as his name and snippets of their past slip past her teeth bitten lips.

He tries to soothe her. Gently he strokes her hair and kisses her cheek or forehead. She whispers "dad' and her fingers clutch the sheets drawing them towards her.

Her father sits before her as he has in the past. "You know, your whole life you've never had a relationship go this far. You know, right around here you always end them. Now why is that? Look, Katie, I know you. When you get scared you hid in your work. And I just want to be sure whatever decision you make it's because it's what you want. Not because you're afraid." She forces a smile, but she knows he is right.

"This job. It's what I want." She whispers, but it really is about her being afraid. Afraid to jump in and her lose him like she has lost everyone else of importance in her life.

"Then tell him." Her father answers stoically.

"He's gonna hate me, Dad."

"That's something you're going to have to live with." Her father's eyes tell her more than his words. They implore her to reconsider, to really think of the ramifications of her actions, because he knows this job isn't what she really wants. She's afraid, afraid to hurt like she has in the past when those she loves have abandoned her.

In her sleep she repeats, "He's going to hate me, Dad," over and over, and Castle can only guess she is dreaming about talking to her Dad about something. He tries to calm her, but her mind races with images and words she wants to forget.

"What's wrong with it is that you hid it from me. In fact, you lied about it. I wouldn't do that to you." She knows he is right, he would never do this to her. He would consult her first, but he has always been better about that than her.

"Castle, this isn't about you. This is about me. This is about my life." The words bounce around in her head painfully. "Her" life, what was she thinking? He owes him her life, wouldn't even have one without him.

"So you're seriously considering this?" Eyes riveted to hers, trying to read to communicate to plead.

"Yes! This is a wonderful opportunity. It'll be a chance to do more." The moment she hears it leave her lips she regrets it. He nods to himself.

"Without me," and momentarily she is speechless, because her next words will seal their fate.

She's momentarily speechless.

"Castle, please don't do this. Don't make this about us." She hates herself for what she is doing, for putting her heart before his, because this isn't about the job, it is about her running because she is afraid. Her Dad was right she was afraid.

"I'm sorry, tell me how this isn't about us. You get this job, you move to DC, I'll never see you. That's pretty much the end of our relationship, isn't it?" He's right there wouldn't be time for him in my life, and I know it.

"You don't know that. And I probably won't even get the job."

"That's not the point. The point is, you knew what this could mean. And it didn't occur to you to include me. Or worse, it did occur to you. And you chose not to. Now what does that about us? Not much, you ask me." Again she drives him away, while she hides and protects her heart. In her sleep her tears come faster.

It's their park, their swings. This is the place where she has come to move their relationship forward, her place of hope for a better life. Again she watches herself make mistake after mistake without being able to stop it.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kept secrets."

"It's who you are. You don't let people in. I've had to scratch and claw for every inch." She watches his normally expressive jovial face, stay stone still. No expression other than grim determination evident.

"Castle,"

"Please let me finish. I've been doing a lot of thinking about us. About our relationship, what we have, where we're headed. I've decided I want more." She nods against the obvious and tries to protect herself by agreeing with him.

"We both deserve more." It takes her a second to respond. His tone hurts more than she thought.

"I agree."

"So whatever happens, and whatever you decide, Katherine Houghton Beckett – Will you marry me?"

In her sleep she starts to hyperventilate, her eyes open and the tears trail swiftly down the planes of her face, but she sees only what's in her minds eye.

"Castle!" she screams as her body bolts into a sitting position, out of sleep. Frantically she searches the room for him, and as her eyes settle on him she finally catches her breath.

**Thank you for taking the time to read, please review if you are so inclined**.


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